The Day I Chose My Truth Over Their Approval
To me- “tribal shadow integration”= being ok with our differences from a place that says: “Yes, we all have plenty of shadows! But until we become fully aware of each other’s uniqueness- we won’t fully understand the importance of working with each other’s differences “correctly” and might end up ignorantly judging and hurting each other in the process! Is that what we want collectively/ tribally? I don’t think so! There’s NO fulfillment in burning any bridges… the same way there’s no fulfillment in any toxic dogmatic relationships. We have to find the healthy middle by meeting each other as sovereigns!
How do we do that? by showing up honestly about our journey, our truth and by choosing to come from worthiness (which is our sovereign right!). By knowing the value of our unique frequency- we do more for the collective than anything we could have ever dreamed of!
As a 1/3 Splenic Projector with the channel of judgment in my Mercury placements on my Human Design chart (18.4 unconscious -58.2 conscious)- SPEAKING MY EVER EVOLVING TRUTH has shocked some people to a degree where I wondered if I lost them completely… and that’s largely because I was not embodied as someone who knew her truth in her past. I wan’t mature for it until my 40’s. Let alone did I know how to express it… So for the longest time- I wasn’t in touch with it… which is why when I allowed Cannabis into my life almost 7 years ago at the age of 42- it helped me find my personal truth and that seemed very wrong to people in my spiritual tribe. They knew my previous “less self focused” and yet unconscious expression. Maybe they expected me to know my truth without any substances-?… probably… however- my intuition says that they believe it’ll be more real for me to get there sober and it would last longer so… I can’t help but feeling rejected. After all “rejection” its my genetic trauma, according to my chart.
Well. If I am the creator of my life- what I’ve been learning with this plant helped me understand how I want to create my reality. My “View/ perspective” according to my chart is “Wants/ Needs”. Others need from me my insights regarding what’s lacking in the world. What the world need now is for individuals to connect with their inner sovereignty. To remember who they are. And if Canabis can help them with that- that means that it’s a positive tool, in my book.
It has helped me recognize who I am largely because it helped me see my own shadows- something I wasn’t very much in touch with before –
✨Trying hard to fit in with the group dynamics no matter what my experience is
✨Not fully owning that my uniqueness is my worthy gift for others
✨Thinking that if I stayed small it would be considered selfless and noble (something which is practiced in the East).
✨Disregarding my intuition over other’s opinions (something I seemed frequently)
These shadows temporarily killed my career at 23. I am 48 now and feel like I’m literally starting over. I gave up perusing my career at that young age so that I could focus on studying with my guru, convincing myself that my ongoing selfless service would better my karma in the long run. Meanwhile, I can see that it also hurt it because my financial situation is in need for deep repair as well as my old relationships within that community. Hardly anyone from that community truly recognizes me nowadays… i hardly get comments on my posts, text messages, video messages or any attempt to communicate my insights online. Not to mention invitations. They aren’t coming from that direction. My teacher passed in 2019 and left behind him many individuals on different levels of self awareness. That environment wasn’t about focusing on the self… we all ended up sacrificing ourselves- so off course I sacrificed my “self” too… only to find out I have no true allies from within that community, years later. This doesn’t mean that this reality can’t change in the near future. But until it will- for my own sanity I am taking my powers back! by choosing to honor my truth first! Not theirs before mine, like I used to in the past… And if you know me- I am someone who is very open and always inviting others to connect with me. But as long as I can’t refer to my truth as my own anchor- no relationship is gonna be a healthy sovereign connection for me.
As a successful multi-genre cellist, sound healer, composer, producer AND Human Design teacher—the way I wanna be recognized is by being invited to share my gifts from genuine recognition, awareness and unconditional love. Therefore- the yearning to receive that from others is teaching me how to give this first to myself unconditionally!
Here’s a truth I’m here to offer the world: No matter how many errors you make throughout your lifetime- ultimately you’re really here to deeply learn from them, share the wisdom you got from them and trust that it all happened for a divine reason. How cool would it be if we could inspire others and teach them from our deepest lessons so that they don’t have to repeat the same mistakes?“… after all this is what happened with my teacher. I listened and I observed his guidance. I connected deeply with him- which is why I was so drowned to be around him for so many years… Now I have to take his teachings, embody it and teach it by making it mine. Sovereignly, independently, genuinely and humbly. Guided from within.
And finally, to summarize- I want to bring this to why I do what I do. I’m here to offer you a sacred container space to be seen for your beauty. To be recognized for your unique gifts, to be fully immersed in your uniqueness. I am here connect with you in a way that can heal us both. This is my soul purpose. To celebrate the juiciness of life with you from a place that celebrates sovereignty. If you are feeling called- book a discovery call to learn how you can work with me.
