Lessons learned by a 1/3 Splenic Projector with Innocence Motivation…

I was recently given an opportunity to respond to a projector I truly respect (Sam Zager) about a subject that is very central in my life- the effects of “Innocence Motivation”. The conversation started on her YouTube video named: “Are You Motivated Or Distracted? Innocence Isn’t What You Think It Is”. I basically asked her for advice on how to not feel bad (=be distracted) when I want to come across “professional” but without touching on “desire transference” or by activating my defined ego’s “not self”. The reason I asked it is because at times I wonder if my lack of recognition by some of the closest people in my past (who until a few years ago I thought were my spiritual family and my closest most important circle!)- comes from my not self pushiness and from a deep need to be understood and recognized. There are many parts and layers to my question/ story and Sam ended up asking me how I think my innocence motivation comes across as unprofessional in my life- a question I want so badly to answer in just a few simple sentences, but… I honestly can’t… so it had me process a whole lot and so I’ve been reflecting on this for days now… so Sam, if you’re reading this- know that this post is very much inspired by you! and I feel that writing and processing all this is already helped me understand some things about myself so… thank you for indirectly taking me there…:-)

So… to start- I have to be honest and admit that to plainly explain my life’s scenario around career & professionalism with innocence motivation is rather challenging for me unless you know my life’s story really well or can read into my human design chart. However, for those of you who don’t know me very well and aren’t familiar with Human Design just yet- please know that it is all 100% related to my journey with understudying the importance of embracing my uniqueness & sovereignty. Since no two people are alike- to want to be well understood by others may seem like an unrealistic childish wish… it makes you wonder if you could ever fully be understood by others all together… never the less- this very subject is why I called in a system like the Human Design into my life to begin with and why today I feel that not only its possible to be well understood by others, but its inspiring me to dedicate my life to help people benefit from this tool! I know from experience that when people who genuinely chose to learn how to read these charts- when they look at my chart I feel like they know me and that’s no less then a miracle I cherish with all my heart!

So for those who already know how to read charts- you can see why I am slightly obsessed with making sense of life so much… (open crown!) and why I tend to want to optimize the collective tendencies of misjudging characters when operating out of pure ignorance (my 58-18 channel- the “design of insatiability”). In my experience- when others judge my nature without truly knowing it- it ends up hurting me so much. I experienced lack of recognition for most of my first 44 years which is hard to stomach… But it seems there was no way for me to know this before Human Design. And yet I have to say that knowing that all these people do this without having a tool like the Human Design System- makes it slightly easier for me to be compassionate with them, even though it still hurts.

I feel that when we genuinely go for studying a system like the Human Design- we make room for our true unique nuances to be revealed about us and about each other. In my chart you can see that l was born to “challenge the status quo” (channel 18-58). In September I was told by Chetan Parkyn (a very well respected Projector teacher) that I was born with a powerful quality of a “heart surgeon” able to help people “bark at the right tree”… and because I am a projector- I have to always watch who’s heart I’m operating on, in other words- who’s heart is “right” for my gifts and who is not. I feel like give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt by opening myself to them (innocence motivation…) and yet they aren’t always as correct for my energy and good intentions… I genuinely love to relate from the heart but some of my connections weren’t always aligned for my financial success as a projector… which is something I am constantly reflecting on as I am becoming more aware of what it actually means to live and be a conscious Projector in my daily life…

Throughout the years I changed and morphed in and out of professions & identities (undefined G center). I started as a classically trained professional cellist from Israel who moved to the US to pursuit a traditional performance career and soon after graduating from the New England Conservatory of Music- I moved to Miami Beach to work with The New World Symphony and at the very same week I also met my first spiritual teacher Mo. I was 23 and was indirectly encouraged to experiment with exotic dancing so I can support the ashram I was invited to lived in with many of his other student. 20 years later I discovered Human Design and today I am offering my own projector guidance system based on my unique design. And even though I’ve been recognized & well compensated for my many mastered skills throughout these years- I never thought of how to save money for myself nor to plan for my future (as a result of living in a hippy environment that didn’t encouraged nor believed in “planning from the head”…) Eventually I experienced a major disillusionment of all my assumptions about this environment as I slowly realized that my shift in professions was unconsciously made from a space of self sacrifice (gate 27 in my South Node). Its as if I was willing to do all this from my not self energy- craving to be recognized for being supportive and for being a devoted provider (channel 26-44). Eventually I had to leave the ashram because my uniqueness wasn’t truly honored. My projector powers and unique depth were never truly sought nor recognized outside of providing and generating money. Still aren’t. And I think that it is because we were all chosen and recognized by Mo but not by each other (something that can be devastating over time for any projector in that environment).

Its all so interesting to me how my design shows that even though I came here to challenge authorities- I can very well end up unconsciously giving away my powers to these authorities (18.4 in my unconscious mercury). This is why I believe my very long journey around Mo was possible to begin with (from the age of 23-43) and to this day-it still has some an effect on my psyche as I am learning how to detach from all my adopted identities all together. I talk a lot about this journey on this blog because it’s very much the center of my awakening & the main teaching for me to learn and teach from, given my 1/3 profile… this is why I am convinced I incarnated to tell this story and indirectly/ directly help others learn from it too.

After those intense 20 years- at 43, Mo unexpectedly passed (2019) and was energetically replaced by a new sacred relationship with Cannabis… Cannabis, which is recognized by many native tribes as a fierce ally- gradually brought me back to myself and to my unique design. An ally I didn’t even know I craved. And that lead me to find Human Design- to find some logic behind my unusual life… I quickly found out that my energetic roles are the Transmitter (channel 26-44) and the Optimizer (channel 18-58) which made perfect sense being a cellist (a profession I always tried to keep alive somehow)… As you can see- I have gate 48 -4 times in my chart! (mostly unconscious…) which partly explains why my work as a cellist wants to take people deeply inwards on a sub-conscious level… and given that I recently developed a unique healing system to tao that- I feel like I am constantly heading towards a more authentic way of serving by providing spiritual guidance/ transformation for others (28 in my North Node). I feel like my life is constantly asking me to play the games of life by gambling with new spiritual modalities as I am meant to continuously learn from it all and serve others through my insights. It has been an ongoing and a major transformation for me which I love sharing on this blog…

I find my past to be fascinating and at the same time I feel that my future calls me to show up in my fullest powers as the authentic guide that I can be. In the past I was so uncomfortable submitting resumes for new kinds of jobs (with my 19 years of exotic dancing dominating my professional experiences) and so I found it hard to lie by adding skills I didn’t have. That feels now like desire transference to me- trying hard to fit in by pushing for the kind of money I think I need to make… rather then investing my energy in work that comes from my whole heart’s desires- from the total surrender of my healing journey (channel 26-44) which calls for radical self awareness & self trust… seems like its all coming together slowly in the pace its meant to come and that I am finally beginning to “purr” (as one my favorite Projectors, Barbara Ditlaw- recently told me)…

I feel I’m still processing a lot of the effects Mo had on me. The main awakening happened when I wanted to share the gifts I received from my new found path with his student/ friends who I thought were like family to me… I soon realized that they weren’t interested in my awakening and rather ditch me to follow a dogma that was convenient for them to continue identifying with. I realized that I spent decades around people who weren’t “my people” and therefor the wisdom from Cannabis was not at all what they cared for… (Mo may have spoken down on it at times as a dependable substance, something I had to face with strength and respect even though it was not my experience nor my truth). It is very painful that the unconditional love he tried so hard to teach us about- isn’t fully embodied. After all he had us guided by Buddha’s teachings, Osho’s teachings and Chris consciousness teachings.

I soon realized that my being a conscious projector in his environment was bound to rock the boat-something no one was nor still is comfortable with given my projector penetration. They can all tell on some level that I can see the best and the worst in everyone. Especially since I surpassed my insight for so many years – they were not familiar with me all of a sudden speaking from my powers at all. Later I found out that Mo was a generator which explains why his teaching was limited for my projector aura and why I enjoyed plugging into his powerful healthy and vibrant sacral all these years…

Regardless to how others in his tribe see me today- I see my life as a spiritual blessing! The more I am shown the magic of my unique nature- the more it makes sense to me why I’ve been having this experience to begin with. Maybe this is meant to be the first step towards aligned attractions- to understand myself in my unique beautiful complexity no matter if my old friends will ever get it at all…

Having innocence motivation mixed with my Projectro aura- I feel like I simply can’t force recognition from others. I have to surrender big time to it as it slowly flowers from within my inner recognition. And because my classically trained cellist professional life around Mo was insinuated to not be something I should prioritize as a career/ self focus- replacing it with exotic dancing was the way to generously support the ashram (like all the others) which wasn’t helping my younger self develop a healthy ego. Quite the opposite. I took it as if everyone encouraged me to judge it. This insatiable journey of judging myself slowly and indirectly became an issue for me and eventually brought me to awaken to my very own unconscious ways of being distracted by others and by my lack of not understanding my nature and my innocence motivation. I now understand how it was all allowed by my design which is why the main focus of my healing these days is to forgive everyone and educate others about the need to understand our chart and learn how to relate with others about our uniqueness from a space of self awareness.

Hopefully its a little easier to make sense of my professional life/ qualities without meeting me or studying my chart… However- if you want to benefit from my essence- feel free book any of my self transformation services directly from this link right here.