From Sacrifice to Sovereignty

My Design: The Shadow of Service

In my own chart, my shadow expression is manifested as a soldier archetype—someone who could unconsciously sacrifice herself for her tribe. As a professional cellist who moved to the US at 20 to pursuit a career in cello performance- I mysteriously turned into exotic dancing at the age of 24, generating hundreds of thousands of dollars- not for myself, but to support my beloved spiritual community. You could say that my design predisposed me to accumulate resources for my tribe. By age of 25, I was frequently solicited for money—money I earned through hard work and through many years of devotional service which I have no fundamental regret for, except it left me needing to compassionately de-condition myself on a daily basis.

In 2000, When I first encountered my spiritual teacher, I felt an immediate connection. As a Projector with an undefined Sacral Center plugging to his vibrant sacral energy was addictive and nourishing. His followers/ community wasn’t built on “abstract love” but “practical communal living”. Living in our ashram- meant that we needed to pour out constant financial support because our focus was on selfless wholehearted service. As a Projector without healthy boundaries- I struggled to decline financial support requests, often feeling challenged and tested to feel I need to always feel wholehearted to give my money as a form of agreeable sacrifice. On one hand I wanted to do my best to be unselfish and wholehearted in my giving and on another level it was impossible to do so without genuinely burning out and so I learned to suppress feeling exploited, convincing myself that self-sacrifice will bring me spiritual progress eventually.

“Innocence Motivation” and my suppressed Splenic Authority

My innocence motivation made me susceptible to believing that my teacher always knew what was best for me. I innocently gave away my powers to become more devotional but it was borderline unhealthy as I repeatedly and unconsciously went against my intuition. Ironically, years later I found out that this was my inner authority. And as a single definition Projector, I unknowingly harmed myself being under pressure to prioritize external guidance over my own inner knowing. I never admitted to myself that this environment was border line “cultish” until recently realizing how safe I wanted to feel there by identified with everyone else but my own needs for sovereignty.

Given my undefined Throat Center, I feel I was uncomfortable speaking up and learned to suppress my voice a lot and so my sense of “self” was non existent (which lead me to sense that most of the friends in the ashram didn’t really take me very seriously. They didn’t respect my need to develop a passionate professional career life nor did they recognize my projector input as I was not even conscious of those powers yet. This left me feeling deeply insecure for years.

By 2016 I experienced a classic Projector burnout, after operating like a Generator for far too long by pushing my energy without proper rest (and by rest I mean- to do something else or take a break from that life from time to times). Only in 2006, after abandoning my cello career for six years, did I tentatively return back to music as a potential career to develop. “Just for fun”- I told myself at first, (something I intuitively felt was necessary for me to keep my desires at bay). Despite numerous opportunities to choose different paths (marriage proposals for one)- I remained devoted to my teacher, making him my main creative muse and supported him financially by feeling pressured to contribute my resources all the time, working myself to exhaustion.

This pattern created not just the inevitable result for a Projector burnout but it created lack of clarity, lack of recognition I was hungry for and last but not least- huge financial instability. I maintained exotic dancing status until 2020 as somewhat of a “crutch” as it was the only way I knew how to “work” as a business woman and wasn’t sure how things would eventually change.

The Undefined Sacral Burnout

That powerful, juicy sacral energy my teacher had was amplified by me for years. When he had to leave to face some unjust hardships in 2010 (long story!)- I continued operating on borrowed energy that gradually got depleted. By 2016, after six years without his physical presence, my undefined Sacral was completely depleted. Yet I persisted in neglecting my inner authority, developing the bitterness that is the warning sign for Projectors who aren’t honoring their design.

As I approached 40, that year- my Splenic fear spoke loudly enough that I couldn’t ignore it. This was 4 years before Human Design- I intuitively knew I needed to exit that environment, which was scary at first as I hadn’t learned to fully trust my inner authority yet—and yet it led me to Los Angeles, then to plant medicine, which helped me reconnect with myself and compassionately recognize my low-frequency patterns.

The Undefined Self Center and Finding Home

After my teacher’s passing, Human Design appeared in my life precisely when I struggled to relate to his community. Through my chart, I discovered that my undefined G Center (self/identity) meant that any environment would define me. This explained why leaving the ashram left me without a sense of self or direction. As a Projector, I was designed to be an outsider, not a soldier, and my struggle to fit in stemmed from operating against my design.

Being foreign in the US made my guru’s community feel protective, and I needed to learn how to create that security for myself by myself for the first time. Through plant medicine and deep authentic self-reflection, I began sharing my journey more openly. Today, while my fellow “soldiers” remain loyal to our teacher’s lineage, I’ve chosen sovereignty.

Financial Alignment with Design

My financial reality seems to mirror my inner journey with money around the ashram. As someone with a defined Ego Center, I struggle to generate resources when not aligned with my passions and heart’s desires. I would never blame anyone for my energetic blueprint—in fact I’m only seeking understanding to illuminate uniqueness & sovereignty. When we elevate our energy to its highest frequency potential, we transform it into a powerful force for manifesting understanding, connection, abundance, and appreciation for our uniqueness.

The more we know our authentic design, the more empowered we become to direct our lives. This is my vision for our collective—creating offerings that establish soverignty consciousness for everyone involved, a win-win aligned with each person’s design.

To address the inevitable de-conditioning ups and downs (what looks like depression to some), I need a clear strategy aligned with my Projector nature. My awakening to self-worth has me questioning whether I will ever feel safe around my old tribe while 100% honoring my design. That is why my healing is about inviting my community to co-create with me from a space of healing intention, reminding each other of our unique brilliance and reclaiming our powers from a place of sovereignty.

What all projectors desire is recognition for their authentic selves and acknowledgment of their highest potential. I still wish to support my teacher’s legacy, but from sovereignty awareness— by bringing my unique Projector gifts to the larger community. This represents the highest frequency of my potential: self-love aligned with design, which creates the foundation for planetary healing.